I haven’t actually updated you guys on my mental health for a while as I’ve had other things I’ve wanted to write about, so I think we’re long over due a mental health update (AKA Soph rambling about how sad she is.)
I never post on a Saturday but I just need to get this written and posted. So far, August has been C R A P. July was also crap. June was also crap. And May? You guessed it – crap. Okay, maybe I’m being a little negative here.. There’s been some good moments in 2019, but in general it really hasn’t been the best year for me.
It was exactly a year ago when I first started anti depressants. I did start to feel a little better for a few months until the meds wore off and I started new ones, which aren’t really working very well. I’m unsure at this point whether to up my Sertraline dose to 150mg (the mental health nurse said the highest dose is 200mg) or to just switch to other meds (the same nurse said I could switch to ones that are better for helping me sleep if I wanted to, rather than upping my current meds.) I can’t mentally take feeling like this for much longer, so I feel upping to 150mg is a big risk as: 1.) they make me feel worse at first, 2.) if they don’t work I’ll be feeling more awful for longer when I could’ve just switched to other meds, and 3.) 150mg is a very high dose so I may just be a zombie. Does anyone have advice? I really am stuck.
I’m honestly feeling a little lost at the minute.. I just feel hopeless. I’m not particularly sad and there’s nothing necessarily bad happening in my life at the moment – I just feel lost. I feel numb almost 24/7. I’ll be doing my makeup and thinking ‘why am I even doing this?’ It’s almost a distraction for the mean time until I finish my makeup, get the empty feeling again and think ‘Ok, what now? What next? Lie in bed feeling numb?’ I have to constantly keep myself distracted but it’s hard to stay distracted when everything I do feels pointless.
I don’t think I’ve been this open on my blog before as people in my personal life sometimes read it, but I really just needed to get this out to my readers. I know a lot of you suffer with mental health issues too so I’m really hoping some of you could shine some light and offer me some advice through this tough time, or at least reassure me I’m not the only one who feels/has felt like this.
The worst part is I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I was unhappy my whole childhood and adolescence, but felt better randomly around 2016 time. Then, out of nowhere, this time last year I started suffering mentally again. I have no idea what’s triggered this. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I’m waiting for therapy but I don’t know how I can wait any longer.
I know I’ll be okay, but it is just horrible feeling so lost all the time.
Lots of love,